Step Zero Started Here
Hi! I'm so glad you're here. My story...
I hit a personal rock bottom. No DUI, no rehab, no one actually told me I should stop drinking. I actually believed I couldn’t do anything without alcohol. It was how I was raised. I turned to alcohol whether I was happy or sad. I drank for the fun, the relief, and it felt like the only thing I could do to feel ‘happy’.
From my experience, people dependent on alcohol have the common denominators of being over-thinkers and high over-achievers. Alcohol was my solution to stop over-thinking and worrying so much. The problem was, it always ended up causing me to worry more. Most days I woke up with a slight hangover and vague memories of poor choices, shameful acts, mistakes made, and arguments had, yet no real consequences.
I wanted to be done feeling this way, but I couldn’t do anything to stop drinking. Every morning I would wake up and say I wasn’t going to have a drink later, but five o’clock rolled around and all I could think about was opening a bottle of wine before, during or after dinner to ‘relax’ and ‘take it easy.’ Eventually I was drinking alone, because I had three kids sleeping and a husband at work dinners who traveled a lot. The anxiety of the day would feel like it was melting away with that first sip, yet it ended up being like pouring gasoline on a flame. All of my anxiety would worsen by morning. By this time, I had three children ages 4, 2 and 10 months. Day after day I would throw the covers over my head, not wanting to get out of bed to get my kids ready for preschool or spend time with my infant because I was ‘too tired’. I blamed the baby not sleeping well, but my body was not getting the rest I needed because it was fighting off the toxins from alcohol.
I sat down to write in my journal one night and couldn’t get an image out of my head of a girl who had a drinking problem, but didn’t know she had a drinking problem. I googled, “Girl that feels like an alcoholic, but isn’t one.” I had to get to the bottom of this nagging feeling.
“Sober-curious” and “gray area drinker” were terms that popped up from my search repeatedly that I had never heard before.
Sober-curious is defined as questioning your relationship with alcohol and are thinking about trying out sobriety, even if you are not ready to commit to it.
Gray-area drinking is when you realize alcohol is negatively impacting your life, but you haven't hit "rock bottom” yet.
“That was it”, I thought! “I'm a gray-area drinker! No need for AA or rehab, I can figure this out on my own!”
What I found is there is an entire sober-curious culture rising up from the same feelings I was experiencing. The feeling that I have become dependent on alcohol as a stress reliever and that I 'deserve it' because I've had a ‘hard day’ using the excuse of stress, kids, work...
Women (and men) are noticing that the mommy wine culture perpetuates these feelings. Alcohol is provided everywhere from kid’s birthday parties to mom’s nights out, normalizing drinking at everything from playdates during the day, attending an event with kids, to drinking and driving home after.
Whether I was happy or sad, alcohol played a part in almost every experience of my life.
After doing research, following a few social media accounts, and listening to some podcasts, I made it 80 days abstaining from alcohol before a mom’s getaway trip to New York City where I didn’t share my alcohol-free experience and therefore was given a glass of champagne, and found myself unable to say no. There was no rhyme or reason. I knew I didn’t want to drink, yet I drank anyway.
Nothing "bad" happened except a slight hangover, but I flew home to my three young children, looked into their innocent eyes full of joy at seeing their mom after a long weekend away and I thought;
“At what age did I decide I needed an outside substance to make me happy?”
Right then and there I decided enough was enough.
I was done.
No crazy rock bottom.
No DUI.
No jail.
No rehab.
No one telling me I had a problem except for ME.
I finally quit for ME.
I quit the booze and I quit believing the lies that went along with it.
Since that moment, I am now 5 years sober from alcohol and all substances writing about my journey along the way.
One year after I went to grad school to become a therapist.
Two years after, I thought I wanted to drink again, but realized I really just needed to get a divorce.
Three years after I navigated a separation and mediation, grad school, raising 3 humans and worked on my emotional sobriety.
Four years after my father, second mother and 13 year old golden retriever passed away, I quit graduate school and decided to become a life coach.
Five years after I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, in a career I love, raising three beautiful children to give them the gift I never had - a sober, conscious parent.
Now, a divorced mother of three (ages 9, 7 & 6), grad school drop out turned life-coach, writer, and speaker, I am dedicated to helping intuitive women who want to reinvent themselves and find their purpose.